My Life & My Existence - Who am I?

4. Wandering of inside

[2006 Powel Lake in Utah]

  From then on, he began to wander in his mind. First, he became silent. It’s because he didn’t have any one to talk to.  Whoever he asked about the meaning of life, couldn’t give him the answer. The emptiest thing was the fact that there was nothing he could do about death. From then on, a lot of agony began. He took care of household affairs diligently. In his mind, questions about life, death, disease, health, why some people live a long life while others die early, why some are well off while others are poor, what life is, where emptiness, solitude and loneliness come from, became riddles without answers and significant issues in his life. He spent his school years wondering about these things and graduated.  After finishing school and working for his company, these agonies and questions still bothered him and he could not focus on other things. He played tennis very hard to stop thinking about these things. He played tennis all day long, came home tired, took a shower, and fell asleep right away. To change this life he went to church. The minister’s preaching was comforting but did not provide anything he could actualize in his daily life.   He thought he was not ready to meet God. He went to a temple. The monk’s teaching was also right and good but he felt he couldn’t do what the monk said. He thought only special people could be ministers or monks. He wondered what he could do by himself.