My Life & My Existence - Who am I?
5. Inevitable practice – beginning practice after a long wandering
[a Juniper Tree in Sedona Ilchi Meditation Center]
While searching for answers, he was reminded of Dahn-jon breathing (lower abdomen energy breathing) which he had read about in a small introductory book of Buddhism. He decided to try it because he thought he could do it by himself. It was not as easy to do as described in the book. The two-page long explanation was very simple, but it was difficult to do. It was not easy to do the breath work with a relaxed focused mind. He forced himself to do it and sometimes he tried to hold his breath for too long a time. Then he had a dim consciousness and felt dizzy. Sometimes he breathed in fully and pushed out with too much power before he breathed out. Then he felt his belly was very tight and painful; and sometimes he felt like he had hernia and his anus bled. He had serious constipation or diarrhea, and headache; and he got flu-like symptoms. He felt like he could die if he kept trying this. So he gave this up, thinking this was not something he could do. He felt like he could die. So he thought of another way. “First I should control my mind. Without controlling my mind, any other things will be the same.” Thinking how he could control his mind, he read again Ban Ya Shim Kyung, the Buddhist book. He understood Ban Ya Shim Kyung as words to brighten the mind. His family believed in Buddhism so it wasn’t difficult to find that kind of book around.
My Life & My Existence - Who am I?
4. Wandering of inside
From then on, he began to wander in his mind. First, he became silent. It’s because he didn’t have any one to talk to. Whoever he asked about the meaning of life, couldn’t give him the answer. The emptiest thing was the fact that there was nothing he could do about death. From then on, a lot of agony began. He took care of household affairs diligently. In his mind, questions about life, death, disease, health, why some people live a long life while others die early, why some are well off while others are poor, what life is, where emptiness, solitude and loneliness come from, became riddles without answers and significant issues in his life. He spent his school years wondering about these things and graduated. After finishing school and working for his company, these agonies and questions still bothered him and he could not focus on other things. He played tennis very hard to stop thinking about these things. He played tennis all day long, came home tired, took a shower, and fell asleep right away. To change this life he went to church. The minister’s preaching was comforting but did not provide anything he could actualize in his daily life. He thought he was not ready to meet God. He went to a temple. The monk’s teaching was also right and good but he felt he couldn’t do what the monk said. He thought only special people could be ministers or monks. He wondered what he could do by himself.
Dahn Goon Lake
[2002 Winter Scene of Dahn Goon Lake in Sedona Ilchi Meditation Center]
Chun(Heaven)& Ji(Earth) nature is a very sacred artist.
When the winter comes, it carves, draws, and sings with snow. When spring comes, it brings out all the life on earth from under the ground. Flowers will be engraved from nature’s patterns and printed out with beautiful colors. When summer comes, heavy rain, dew, clouds, fog, beautiful double rainbows, thunder, and lightening will awaken our souls by dancing, singing and wispering to us. When the fall comes it shoots out the last colors of leaves. Everything and all moments are works of art that change and flow constantly without limit. Chun & Ji nature never stops at any moment or any place. Even as it flows and changes, transforming itself , it’s essence doesn’t change. I am meditating on these facts in Sedona.